Full credit to the band, The Clash, for these classic lyrics that apply to so many life situations. As we age, our circumstances and needs change and many find themselves looking around at their residence of many years and asking the question, should I stay, or should I go?
The next line, however, is a bit murkier. If I go there will be trouble, if I stay it will be double. Is that true when we are contemplating if we should continue living in our residence of many years, or choose to downsize to a smaller, more manageable setting? This choice can bring up conflict between adult children and their aging parents.
The choice to stay may be unpopular with the adult children of older adults. There can be concerns about safety, ability to manage the household, and honestly, all the accumulated stuff. Meanwhile, aging parents are thinking about leaving their homes, the memories and some of the stuff behind (more about the stuff later) and adjusting to a whole new setting.
But ultimately, regardless of age, our choices are our own.
When I think about this situation with my own mother, my sisters and I felt that a move would be the best option, but Mom disagreed and wanted to continue at home. This choice makes us anxious because we care about her well-being. For her, it was a better option than moving to a continuing care retirement community, apartment, or one of our homes. We ultimately had to accept that she was the one in charge of her own destiny, and we had to support her. After all, we all made choices that she disagreed with, but she was always there no matter what, supporting us as our mother. Together, we agreed on a plan that optimized her current setting and positioned her to move if there comes a day when she is no longer able to manage in her home. To honor this choice, we worked together to set goals, which brings us back to the stuff.
Our plan began with the overwhelming task of downsizing the stuff. The stuff is the accumulation of belongings that grew for over fifty years. In many families, the only predictable thing that moves out of the house is the grown children. But not all our stuff goes with us.
Tackling the stuff is not only the task of clearing things out to simplify a living space, but also acknowledging the emotional attachment to our belongings. For many, the decisions about what to keep, donate or discard are difficult. As we go through life, we accumulate things that in the end are just things, but they hold memories and mean something to us. This process of downsizing can feel like all those things that are evidence of a life lived are just going out the door. Something as simple as a tablecloth that was used for family dinners, or the pot that was used to make homemade jam can feel like treasures, and while some things are practical to hold on to, some things need to go in order to achieve the goals of a downsize. Even though it may sound crazy to think of getting rid of things as a loss, it is a loss! A lot of emotions can come with that loss. Allowing the time and space for conversations about repurposing and memorializing those things can be helpful.
At Mission Transitions, we help with the task of dealing with the stuff and the move, but we take it further. Our professional experience allows us to understand and empathize with the individuals and families that we work with as they move through these challenging transitions. Our personal experiences going through this process with our own families further enhances our ability to offer clients a supportive experience. It is a privilege for us to support you and your family through these complex transitions.
